pilates I
there is something about pilates class that reminds me of being single. not only being single, but how I am single and will be and how it happened that I became single again. it's good, still, but I don't quite get it. it's not like yoga class where I come out, after one and a half hours, as a whole person [even if I cried a little], in sync with myself and the things surrounding me. maybe it's the reverse breathing, it's got to have something to do with that. the breathing in pilates is similar to the breathing in yoga, it's just always the other way around. in yoga, the movements of your body follow your breathing in perfect harmony, in pilates both seem to somehow always be fighting against each other.
anyway, I went home again today being reminded of being single, or a dark future cloud or a bad hairstyle at 45 or having no friends. then I told T. and she told me that sometimes she's afraid she won't meet her husband, and she's the only person I know who is really, really dying to have four kids. over lunch she asked me if I wanted to be her first child's godmother while simultaneously screaming "but you can't, you can't, cause you're a catholic". it took me minutes to calm her down and explain that I, actually, was baptised but a protestant and only raised catholic to some extent, and that, of course, I would be her child's godmother. I felt so honoured.
we decided that que sera, sera, whatever will be, will be, the future's not ours to see, got in her car, drove to the next burger king, ordered our country burger menues like two dumb, 10-year-old twins, drove to the beach, managed to get two beach chairs together because it was so, so windy and ate our burgers and fries with a touch, only a touch of sand while talking and looking at the sunset and the ships and loving each other, though I know - both of us often think about that person we will love, then.
this year has been good so far, but crazy good, and it has destroyed a lot. but it has a way of putting things back together again and so I am hoping that by the time I light those sparklers next it will have put me back together as well.
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