there it is.
didn't I want to find a beautiful moment yesterday?
well, how could I forget.
it is the children, always the children.
and even if I only work with them once a week I feel better afterwards.
all week long I feel the pressure to fill this hour, to be good, to be the best teacher they ever had, I want them to like me, I want the parents to like me, it's not my native language we're speaking but it should be [I'm the first non-swede to work there] and I feel the pressure to just be good enough.
then it starts. they listen. sometimes they are loud. sometimes they don't sit on their chairs like they should. I don't care, it's better for their backs anyway. when I ask a question I get answers, they do what I tell them to, they do their work and I help and correct and make notes to myself kid a has problem this and that kid b reads really fast kid c talks so well but reads slowly kid d is shy kid e has a problem with grammar they all need to learn this and that in order to learn how to write.
then I read "charlie and the chocolate factory" to them and they listen and paint and laugh. I let them design their own chocolate cakes so they write and think and discuss without even noticing. next week they will draw comics of the awful kids with the golden tickets.
and then I say goodbye and feel light. it's not only the fact that I have a weekend to look forward to and that I didn't make a fool of myself, but
they are kids. they smile. when you say the right thing their faces open up. one time a mom considered not taking her son to class the next week because she didn't want him to be pressured too much and he want "NO BUT I WANT I WANT MOM!"
it is the best thing I know at the moment. and the most beautiful.
teaser 2: pool with a view
portugal.
just dance.
apparently the most important thing is to always have a mission.
tonight we have one, and it's gonna be interesting. it doesn't involve lots of drinks, though. I'll visit my mom for dinner tomorrow and she is curious, too, how I am gonna look tomorrow night. because our plan doesn't involve any sleep either.
I will, however, report back. team mom & mom is all set up and ready to go, with out carefully packed bags (we checked the weather, it's gonna be warm tomorrow, still we're taking sweaters because we're gonna be so sleep deprived = cold, plus coke, water, mints, small snacks (blood sugar)).
another thing that is happening is, that I am growing up. it is september and today I bought my first pair of winter shoes. I will be able to afford at least another pair of boots because I took that extra job, so it's all fine by me.
I'm becoming girly and I am growing up and I spend a lot more money on my haircut than I used to. It's even shorter now and I like it.
#fuckyeahshorthairedfemmes
and things will work out, somehow. I told t. yesterday that I didn't feel whole enough to have a girlfriend right now and I am right. I am stressed out and have to deal with my family issues and on top of that I think I have iron deficiency.
maybe I am a little more like my ex than I'd like to be. I have a hard time letting other people take care of me, and it's easier not to have a partner at all than to learn to deal with certain things and just let myself fall - a thing I always criticized about n.
tonight we have one, and it's gonna be interesting. it doesn't involve lots of drinks, though. I'll visit my mom for dinner tomorrow and she is curious, too, how I am gonna look tomorrow night. because our plan doesn't involve any sleep either.
I will, however, report back. team mom & mom is all set up and ready to go, with out carefully packed bags (we checked the weather, it's gonna be warm tomorrow, still we're taking sweaters because we're gonna be so sleep deprived = cold, plus coke, water, mints, small snacks (blood sugar)).
another thing that is happening is, that I am growing up. it is september and today I bought my first pair of winter shoes. I will be able to afford at least another pair of boots because I took that extra job, so it's all fine by me.
I'm becoming girly and I am growing up and I spend a lot more money on my haircut than I used to. It's even shorter now and I like it.
#fuckyeahshorthairedfemmes
and things will work out, somehow. I told t. yesterday that I didn't feel whole enough to have a girlfriend right now and I am right. I am stressed out and have to deal with my family issues and on top of that I think I have iron deficiency.
maybe I am a little more like my ex than I'd like to be. I have a hard time letting other people take care of me, and it's easier not to have a partner at all than to learn to deal with certain things and just let myself fall - a thing I always criticized about n.
but that's that for tonight. coming up:
stories about portugal, one by one.
and the tale of our mission aka "the hh thing"
stories about portugal, one by one.
and the tale of our mission aka "the hh thing"
pilates I
there is something about pilates class that reminds me of being single. not only being single, but how I am single and will be and how it happened that I became single again. it's good, still, but I don't quite get it. it's not like yoga class where I come out, after one and a half hours, as a whole person [even if I cried a little], in sync with myself and the things surrounding me. maybe it's the reverse breathing, it's got to have something to do with that. the breathing in pilates is similar to the breathing in yoga, it's just always the other way around. in yoga, the movements of your body follow your breathing in perfect harmony, in pilates both seem to somehow always be fighting against each other.
anyway, I went home again today being reminded of being single, or a dark future cloud or a bad hairstyle at 45 or having no friends. then I told T. and she told me that sometimes she's afraid she won't meet her husband, and she's the only person I know who is really, really dying to have four kids. over lunch she asked me if I wanted to be her first child's godmother while simultaneously screaming "but you can't, you can't, cause you're a catholic". it took me minutes to calm her down and explain that I, actually, was baptised but a protestant and only raised catholic to some extent, and that, of course, I would be her child's godmother. I felt so honoured.
we decided that que sera, sera, whatever will be, will be, the future's not ours to see, got in her car, drove to the next burger king, ordered our country burger menues like two dumb, 10-year-old twins, drove to the beach, managed to get two beach chairs together because it was so, so windy and ate our burgers and fries with a touch, only a touch of sand while talking and looking at the sunset and the ships and loving each other, though I know - both of us often think about that person we will love, then.
this year has been good so far, but crazy good, and it has destroyed a lot. but it has a way of putting things back together again and so I am hoping that by the time I light those sparklers next it will have put me back together as well.
och vad händer egentligen?
ibland har man en skum skugga.
ibland blir demonstrationer med 14.000 personer sâhär fina.
ibland lyssnar vi pâ lady gaga.
ibland vinner tyskland mot ghana.
jag kommer inte ihâg allt, de sista veckorna har varit fulla av saker och tinge och jobb och prat.
men det händer mycket, och mycket är vackert. som när vi körde hem frân familjen idag - och det tog bara fem timmar! - och försökta att lyssna pâ fotboll pâ radion. kommentatorn var tyvärr sâ dâligt att min mor efter en viss tid började slâ radion med sin lilla tysklandsflagga.
play on, playettes
eftersom det är överskattat att kunna gå genom sitt eget rum. so 2000 and late.
livet är vackert.
jag har fått förkylning igen sista veckan, då vädret var alldeles underbart. vi sitter inne på mitt rum och pusslar, det är vår grej – fula pussel. det sista är en dalí-version av simpson familjen. och så sitter vi här, lyssnar på gospelversionen av grandma’s hands/no diggity och njuter av livet i allmänhet. J lagade mat idag, som hun sa luktade kräk, men smakade ändå gott.
och så vidare, vardag, pusselgolv i rummet
