grow some big feet
it is the first night back from dublin and still the last night home again, until saturday.
there is this huge wedding, my fathers cousins son (yes) is getting married to his girlfriend. who is 25. when I heard that I looked at my watch.
I don't hear any clock ticking, but it still feels weird.
this is a short interlude, a shout-out to brietta: you lucky bastards on the north american continent! why is ivan hanging out with all of you, but not with us poor, poor europeans? you have to tell. everything. it's gonna be great, I am sure.
ireland made me actually feel better. it's a small difference, but it's important. I was there with two of my best friends and my favorite travel companions. it was a couple of days of declaring our love for one another. our closet case who was only out to me came out to the other one as well.
I realized things I didn't actually want to realize before over some pints of guinness, and that was painful. it was a stinging pain that almost made me cry instantly.
the first thought was regarding a person, and how stupid things turned out - but it feels ok knowing that this feeling might come up every couple of months or so and I'm fine with it.
It'd be more scary if I wasn't able to feel at all.
the second thing coming up was a bit stupid. for years now I have been joking about how I will surely become a therapist, or couples therapist, "when I'm a grown-up". guess what, I am growing up. I don't feel stable enough just YET but I had a moment when I realized that that was a calling, I HAD to be that. it's not only the thought that I could be one, if I wanted to, but that at some point in my life I will have to be a therapist of sorts.
I almost cried because this is scaring the shit out of me.
and then, again, dreams of sorts and communication that is going on my nerves. maybe I need advice. maybe I only want to talk about it so much because it fills empty spaces.
that girl from that country far away. I am happy she's far away. sometimes I miss her, because it was so casual. I didn't care. It was that night and now I realized she is interesting, like I am always interested in the casual girls after a couple of days. I am not in love and won't ever be but still she is annoying me. facebook destroys semi-anonymous one-night-stands in foreign countries, y'all.
anywho, she communicates like I communicated with my ex when I first met her. when I was the person who, under no circumstances, wanted to be in a relationship. she likes statuses. she answers messages, she talks, a lot, even when I first met her. but she talks about herself. she interacts a bit, reacts a bit, but never quite enough, even though she seems interested. it's a weird thing, and I shouldn't care but still I am the person who cares, and have always been.
and then her. the dreamwoman, as we call her now. I met her twice, briefly. the day after the second time I realized something was wrong. the night after that I was thinking about our wedding invitations. I haven't met her in 3-4 months now but dream about her OFTEN. and it's always the same kind of dreams. I am meant to be with her. someone else wants me but it's wrong. the last time I dreamt about her, I had another girlfriend who wanted to propose to me but i was ALL wrong. she was in the background and I knew I had to marry her and break my girlfriends heart. a few weeks ago, in portugal, I dreamt I had application sheets from women, and everyone was sort of my could-be-girlfriend. and I was reading the applications over and over again, they were all good, all the same but I couldn't make up my mind. then she came to me and asked "why are you double-checking everyone?" and I answered "because I already know who I have chosen".
I woke up at 5 am creeped out as hell because I had. already. chosen. her.
now what is that supposed to be? the love of my life? I have a creepy mind and a close relationship to my dreams, and that's important to me. but I don't want to lose myself in those dreams and I don't want to just project wishes and feelings on some person who is the victim of my made-up love.
so things are still a lot worse but feeling better. I am still confused. I have very little money left but want to go to paris. and see my friends in sweden. and then, and then, and then...
there is this huge wedding, my fathers cousins son (yes) is getting married to his girlfriend. who is 25. when I heard that I looked at my watch.
I don't hear any clock ticking, but it still feels weird.
this is a short interlude, a shout-out to brietta: you lucky bastards on the north american continent! why is ivan hanging out with all of you, but not with us poor, poor europeans? you have to tell. everything. it's gonna be great, I am sure.
ireland made me actually feel better. it's a small difference, but it's important. I was there with two of my best friends and my favorite travel companions. it was a couple of days of declaring our love for one another. our closet case who was only out to me came out to the other one as well.
I realized things I didn't actually want to realize before over some pints of guinness, and that was painful. it was a stinging pain that almost made me cry instantly.
the first thought was regarding a person, and how stupid things turned out - but it feels ok knowing that this feeling might come up every couple of months or so and I'm fine with it.
It'd be more scary if I wasn't able to feel at all.
the second thing coming up was a bit stupid. for years now I have been joking about how I will surely become a therapist, or couples therapist, "when I'm a grown-up". guess what, I am growing up. I don't feel stable enough just YET but I had a moment when I realized that that was a calling, I HAD to be that. it's not only the thought that I could be one, if I wanted to, but that at some point in my life I will have to be a therapist of sorts.
I almost cried because this is scaring the shit out of me.
and then, again, dreams of sorts and communication that is going on my nerves. maybe I need advice. maybe I only want to talk about it so much because it fills empty spaces.
that girl from that country far away. I am happy she's far away. sometimes I miss her, because it was so casual. I didn't care. It was that night and now I realized she is interesting, like I am always interested in the casual girls after a couple of days. I am not in love and won't ever be but still she is annoying me. facebook destroys semi-anonymous one-night-stands in foreign countries, y'all.
anywho, she communicates like I communicated with my ex when I first met her. when I was the person who, under no circumstances, wanted to be in a relationship. she likes statuses. she answers messages, she talks, a lot, even when I first met her. but she talks about herself. she interacts a bit, reacts a bit, but never quite enough, even though she seems interested. it's a weird thing, and I shouldn't care but still I am the person who cares, and have always been.
and then her. the dreamwoman, as we call her now. I met her twice, briefly. the day after the second time I realized something was wrong. the night after that I was thinking about our wedding invitations. I haven't met her in 3-4 months now but dream about her OFTEN. and it's always the same kind of dreams. I am meant to be with her. someone else wants me but it's wrong. the last time I dreamt about her, I had another girlfriend who wanted to propose to me but i was ALL wrong. she was in the background and I knew I had to marry her and break my girlfriends heart. a few weeks ago, in portugal, I dreamt I had application sheets from women, and everyone was sort of my could-be-girlfriend. and I was reading the applications over and over again, they were all good, all the same but I couldn't make up my mind. then she came to me and asked "why are you double-checking everyone?" and I answered "because I already know who I have chosen".
I woke up at 5 am creeped out as hell because I had. already. chosen. her.
now what is that supposed to be? the love of my life? I have a creepy mind and a close relationship to my dreams, and that's important to me. but I don't want to lose myself in those dreams and I don't want to just project wishes and feelings on some person who is the victim of my made-up love.
so things are still a lot worse but feeling better. I am still confused. I have very little money left but want to go to paris. and see my friends in sweden. and then, and then, and then...
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